Lost crack!fic Part Deux: "Mugglenet Countdown Clocks are the Greatest Things Ever"

Title: Mugglenet Countdown Clocks are the Greatest Things Ever
Author: corellianjedi
Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to JJ, Damon, and JK Rowling. Now there’s a threesome.
Words: 681
Rating: PG (‘cause Sawyer’s got a mouth on him)
Author’s Notes: This is the sequel to my crack!fic "Desmond Whatshisface and the Sick Southerner of the Fusies". There are, once again, spoilers for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. This fic is, once again, dedicated to indilime.



Desmond offered Mister Eko a Dharma-embroidered handkerchief to dry his eyes while Locke blew his nose on the sheets at the foot of Sawyer’s bed.

“I cannot believe that he is dead,” Mister Eko said sullenly, and Desmond patted him on the head.

“Harry has to learn how to survive without his mentor. Remember, everything happens for a reason,” reasoned Locke, wiping his nose on the hem of his t-shirt.

“CAN IT, JOHN!” Jack shouted from where he had locked himself in the bathroom. He had grown tired of the magical story of teenagers several days before and with a shout of “FINE, I’M A MUGGLE AND I DON’T GIVE A DAMN,” had retreated to the bathroom and had refused to come out until the story was over and done with. Sawyer, Locke, and Mister Eko had delighted in the lack of interruptions since Jack went away, and the only thing that had stopped Desmond from his readings were the incessant beeps of the supercomputer.

“I think that was my favorite book yet,” said Sawyer, pulling himself up off the floor. He had been feeling significantly better since Desmond started reading. “I think I might be up for a few games of ping-pong, Braveheart. That is, if you are still interested?”

“You bet, brotha!”

“HUZZAH!” The four men turned to see Sayid standing at the supercomputer, pumping his fists into the air in triumph.

“What now, Ali?” Sawyer limped towards Sayid, Desmond tagging along holding a ping-pong paddle. Sayid pointed excitedly to the beat-up laptop computer he had sitting on the desk.

“I managed to figure out a way to get this laptop to work,” Sayid said, then paused dramatically. “And it is connected to the internet.”

“Huzzah!” Sawyer and Desmond shouted, giving each other high fives. Locke and Mister Eko tried to look happy, but they were still distraught over the loss of Dumbledore. Locke gave a sob and slumped against Mister Eko, who patted the older man’s back awkwardly.

“Let me have a crack at it, yeah?” Desmond nudged Sayid out of the way, sat down at the laptop, and pulled up Yahoo! “Where to first, gents?”

“Mugglenet!” Sawyer suggested. “We can find out if the seventh book is out yet; they’ve always got that countdown clock at the top of the homepage.” Locke, Sayid, Mister Eko, and Jack (who poked his head out of the bathroom for a moment) stared at Sawyer in wonder. “What?” The Southern man attempted to feign innocence. “Con men can’t frequent websites or nothing now?”

“It’s out!” shouted the Scot.

“Say what, boy?” Sawyer leaned over the back of Desmond chair to get a look at the screen.

“The countdown! It says Book 7 came out today!”

“May I suggest,” Mister Eko interrupted quietly, “that you visit Amazon.com now?”

“Hang on! You are using this internet connection for unnecessary things! We should email someone about our perdicament,” Sayid pointed out.

“That can wait until after we order the book, yeah?”

“And how exactly will the book be delivered?” Sayid was his losing patience.

“Rescue boat, dumbass.” Sawyer grinned. “When Amazon asks for our address for the delivery, we’ll put in those coordinates you came up with—”

“I do not know if those are even correct!”

“They gotta be close, Ali. We’ll tell Amazon and then you can email whoever the hell it is you plan on emailing about our ‘perdicament’ and then Amazon can ship the book with the rescue boat.” Sawyer slapped Sayid on the back looking incredibly pleased with himself.

“Hey, mates,” Desmond leaned in closer to the screen. “Want to know the title?”

“I would very much like to know,” said Mister Eko. Locke sniffed and nodded against Mister Eko’s shoulder.

“Harry Potter and the Island of Creepyness.”

“You shittin’ me?” Sawyer asked and Desmond pointed at the laptop screen. “Well, I’ll be….”

“It’s a sign,” cried Locke.

“It doesn’t mean a damn thing!” Jack shouted from the bathroom.

“Oi, mates, one last thing,” Desmond turned in his chair and looked at his fellow Potterholics. “Anybody got a credit card?”